May 12, 2008

Today, I am glad to be alive. I understand that my choices in life are my choices and that they have been a direct result of where my consciousness was at the time that I made them. I am learning that all actions have reactions or repercussions. I believe that thoughts and desires are actions.

I am on my way to my consulting job; again lending my time and my thoughts to someone else for a low fee. What does that say about how I feel about myself? Can I justify this time spent? Can I foresee spending my time and talent building something exclusively for myself? Even my record label requires much sacrifice financially, intellectually, and even emotionally at times and is not exclusively beneficial to me. Maybe exclusively beneficial is an impossible concept. Sometimes I wish that I could live in a bubble where I didn’t have to be accountable to anything or anyone; just the myself. I know that sounds extremely selfish; maybe it is. It’s just a fantasy, but at this time in my life I want to grow and I would like sometime to do it on my own terms.

I feel like I’m hiding in someway by working with or for someone else. I want to be a pure expression unto myself in something that I do. I don’t even do my photography anymore and that was the most independent expression that I had. Why have I abandoned that? What does that say about me? Am I thinking too much? Well, I learned from a teacher of mine that the clearest path to self-realization is constant self-analysis and meditation. Our lives in fact are meditations. This self-analysis is not a brutal process but a joyous exercise, a practice of self-love. Of course, I have not fully integrated this process into my life and therefore have not fully learned it.

I have decided to write this blog to create something that is uniquely me. Maybe some will get where I’m coming from; and that would be awesome!!

Peace,
Shawn P